Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
