i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
