onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
