I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
