break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
