if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Randomize
