apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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