I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
birth control should be required to get into college
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
