The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
