I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
And then my night got REAL pukey
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Randomize
