thus making me awesome and them whores
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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