You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
