The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Randomize
