90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
