my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
