remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
