they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
