Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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