i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
