In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
my sisters under your porch take her home
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
i've created a new STD.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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