Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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