Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Randomize
