true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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