if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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