is your mom at the bar?
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
can u get pink eye on your cock?
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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