If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
