i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
