your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
