It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
