two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
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