I met the friendliest cop last night
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
