and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
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