I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
What did we do last night that was yellow?
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
