I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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