if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
