I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I think I have vodka in my lungs
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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