She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
