I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
