I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
