worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Randomize
