dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
