finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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