Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
