I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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