The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
i out mim tonsoeep
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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