Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
