You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
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