Need sex. Gaining weight.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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