so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Randomize
