I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize