I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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