I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Randomize
