You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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