He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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