I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
