Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
