i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
