Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
