and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
my shit smells like andre
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
