oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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