I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
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