he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
