the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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