There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Randomize
