I wanna bring you to show and tell
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
