i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
