halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
