My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
