The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
