this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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